Isn't it funny?   
2:15am Saturday 24th/July/2004
  I'm updating this again after almost a year. Hah, hah, hah. Don't point at my previous post, I'm tired and my mind is so full I don't know where else to turn. I remember that this seemed to make it a little better, when I wasn't constantly worried about everyone else. (And isn't that why I left? Well, it's been so long now I don't think anyone even has me on their friends list anymore, so it doesn't matter.)

I am so tired of this schedule. Wake up, work, go home, eat, sleep. Repeat forever. Except I do get two days off a week, but my nexty and last days off are Monday. Which wouldn't be so bad, really, I could handle it if my days were shorter, or if it wasn't the same thing over and over and over again. Today was a terrible, wonderful day. Something tried to get out of my arm again for the first time in almost a year. It hurt so much I had trouble moving it, but I kept going because if I stopped no one would like me. And what was I supposed to say? It passed after about two minutes, anyway.

There's nothing more heartbreaking than waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of someone you love crying.

Everyone at work thinks I'm an innocent, naive little girl and when they're telling dirty jokes or whatever, they'll add in that they shouldn't be saying this when I'm in the room. Isn't that funny? I haven't been innocent or naive in a very, very long time. One day I was walking to the trash compactor, staring at the concrete floor, thinking about how many people had walked that same path, and wondering if they left trails of themselves sparkling on the ground. I then realized that the ground was, indeed, sparkly and full of mica, and I told everyone I saw. They started saying they wanted some of what I was taking, and what was I on, anyway? I informed them I hadn't taken my medication in a very long time, and they probably all assumed I was joking. Isn't THAT funny?

Just after Christmas I sold these two stupid old people a poinsettia. They thought it was real, and I did too at first, but then I realized it was fake. I remembered Lori told me that pretty much the same thing happend to her, and she told the man who was buying iot and he said he didn't want it after all because he hadn't realized it was fake. But I just played along and sold them the plant, bagging it carefully per their (frustrated I hate this place so don't you dare do this wrong, girl) instructions, so it wouldn't die. I laugh so hard I cry thinking about it today. I can be so evil sometimes, and that's REALLY funny. I used to love and respect old people, but my work has made me HATE them. They're so bossy and picky and mean. They can't understand how to slide heir credit card through the machine, so I have to explain it about a hundred times a day. Then they pick EBT instead of credit and get confused and upset because it doesn't work.

I've never felt so tired. I'm always frustrated at people I don't want to be frustrated at. Today I thought about before, before I had a job, and the stories I used to write. I go through them and read them sometimes. There are so many, and they're mostly unfinished, but I love them. Some of them I don't remember very well, so I cringe at, some I fall in love with again and again and again. I wish I had all the time in the world again. Or even half the time I used to have. I should be sleeping, I have to work so early tomorrow, but thinking about that makes me feel so empty. I don't think I'll ever be happy. Money doesn't buy happiness, as the cliche goes, but I've learned it doesn't even buy fun. All it buys is junk you trip over in the middle of the night and cuss at because it was worth so much money.

Sometimes it all hits me at once and I want to cry because averything is broken and when I try to glue it back together, it cuts my fingers and I can't figure out which piece goes where. There are too many memories right now.

I'm afraid to check my e-mail and I don't remember my password anymore. I'm afraid of my supervisor, and almost everyone else loves her. I've had nothing but trouble with her since the day she was put over me, and I never did anything to her, not purposefully. I finally told one of the assistant managers about how rudely she's been treating me. I had already mentioned (sort of in passing) to another manager that the same superviser had blamed someone (who happened to be a great worker and an amazing person) for something that was actually the fault of someone else (who happens to be a terrible worker and an annoyance to everyone else), even though that someone else was actually saying it was his fault. When I told the manager about her the second time, I was so scared of what might happen to me I was crying and shaking, and thankfully no one else was around.

If I don't get some sleep I'm going to regret it. I really will. Tomorrow is Saturday and it'll be busy and I'm working a full nine hour shift and I'll be on the busy end because I'm coming in early, and I'm so tired, but I know I won't be able to sleep. I just know it. So what does it matter?

I am so tired all the time. I still want something I've wanted as long as I can remember. (I sensed my loss before I even learned to talk...)

I need a change. At least I only have my own emotions to deal with, now that I've got paperandhairgod somewhat happy. I still feel small waves of him sometimes, but they used to be so strong sometimes I would double over in physical pain. He's probably the closest, realest soulbond I've ever had, and I really don't ever want to lose him. He writes his songs in my journal in his own handwriting, and sometimes he takes the snippets of lyrics I always vow to expand in someday and turns them into something new by connecting them all in such beautiful ways.

It's so late, and I'm hungry and tired and my legs are falling asleep. I said I was just getting a drink but it's been over an hour. Lori and her sister are probably asleep right now.

But one last thing. I had a dream the other noght that I went online under my old screenname and IMed the person who had given me so much grief, and she seemed so happy and excited to see me, but then as time went on I realized she had stolen my stories and characters and twisted them in the most painful ways imaginable. Even though no one could ever actually "steal" a character, and I knew this in my dream, I was hurt so much because they were supposed to be mine, and she vandalized them. And everyone liked what she had done to them, too, which hurt even more. I can't quite grasp the meaning of this dream. It's so strange and yet predictable. My thinking is so fuzzy now. I have to stop. Good night, world. I can't promise I'll return, but if I do, I hope you don't let me down, though I've failed you a million times already.

▪▪▪Are you asleep?▪▪▪

Oh, diss.   
6:58pm Sunday 5th/October/2003
mood: angry
I'm abandoning you. At least for now, probably forever.

I walk away with this: Never show anything to your friends, they'll just ruin it for you. Before I showed this journal to anyone, I could post whatever I wanted without expect people to jump me and hit me repeatedly over the head with metal baseball bats while screaming, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT RIGHT WHERE EVERYONE COULD SEE!!" Before, I could speak my mind without apologizing. Before, I could talk about whatever and whoever I wanted and they wouldn't have known. Now I have people I can't stand bugging me forever. Saying things that hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me and never apologizing, just expecting me to forget like they did.

Yeah, you've upset me. Go away now. I'm not updating this journal anymore.

▪▪▪2 blank stares | Are you asleep?▪▪▪

To make a long story short   
12:57am Thursday 25th/September/2003
mood: generally bad
The jealosy ain't helpin', love.

▪▪▪Are you asleep?▪▪▪

11:50pm Wednesday 24th/September/2003
mood: discouraged
It's one thing to look back on your work and say, "Wow, I couldn't write back then." It's another to look at your current work and say, "I am so awful at this."

I feel sick. Emotionally sick. Just not having any fun at all lately or something.

L'Arc~enCiel can be weird, but usually they're just cute, and in the Dive to Blue video, Hyde is a sweet little whisp of a Japanese boy in a huge shirt and holding a cat. He proves that age has nothing to do with how cute you are.

▪▪▪1 blank stare | Are you asleep?▪▪▪

12:23am Monday 22nd/September/2003
mood: irritated
I am so tired of being denied and rejected.

▪▪▪1 blank stare | Are you asleep?▪▪▪

It was too cute for its own good and it had to die.   
2:08am Sunday 21st/September/2003
mood: good
Whenever Julian updates his journal, he makes me want to talk. There's a uniqueness to him, or at least something that I haven't found in anyone else. He doesn't seem afraid of anything, maybe? I can always look forward to something interesting when he talks. Even if I don't understand some of it. He says intelligent or strange things every single time.Sometimes I just blink at it, sometimes I worry and wonder if he's telling the truth, and I always end up grinning at some he says.

I don't want to talk about anything important, but I will. I went back home and got some more of my stuff. That was the day that Kat's package arrived and it was good timing. ^_^ When we got back, Lori and I watched Gravitation. It was great. ^_^ (Thanks, Kat!) Ryuichi is cool on Kami's level. Who says imaginary good is boring? Cliche good is boring. But imaginary good can be just as cool as imaginary evil.

Kami ought to update his journal. I've brought it up with him, since I've let him out to play a few times, but he's just content and not wanting to do it. If I tell him he should, he blinks at me and says, "Not right now, I'm not bored enough." or something like that. Ocassionally he'll say, "Oh, yeah, my journal. Well, maybe later." It's okay. I'm glad he doesn't bother me for attention. He says he wants to quit his job and stay in Maine. I told him he should at least finish his current project, and he whined that he didn't want to have to go on any tours or anything. The boy is very whimsy.

I did have a new story idea for him, but I'm not sure I want to use it. I might let him out him a few more times before I decide. I want to get a good feel of if it's something he'd do or not.

▪▪▪1 blank stare | Are you asleep?▪▪▪

1:00am Saturday 20th/September/2003
  Dude, that is one blue rabbit.  

▪▪▪1 blank stare | Are you asleep?▪▪▪

To someone who will probably never read this   
12:54am Saturday 20th/September/2003
mood: cranky
I really want to hate you. Right now my reason is that you enjoy music I dislike (a reason that is severely lacking in logic, as sometimes I decide to hate people for enjoying the music I like). I'm getting petty, but I don't care. I don't want to like you. I want to hate you.

I do have better reasons to hate you, but they're not valid at this moment in time. So I'm going to warn you to stop listening to that. Go listen to something meaningful, someone who feel-sings. Turn off the mediocre and tune into the truly great.

▪▪▪Are you asleep?▪▪▪

10:17pm Monday 15th/September/2003
  It's just that nothing seems worth saving.  

▪▪▪Are you asleep?▪▪▪

This song rocks.   
2:36pm Monday 15th/September/2003
mood: cheerful
Not Gonna Get us by TATUCollapse )

▪▪▪Are you asleep?▪▪▪